letlive. - “Muther” off their third album called Fake History. The band is expected to hit the studio very soon and record a new album. ll.ove. Follow us for music news.
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egypt, cairo, and saudi arabia.
as odd as it sounds, i’m turning 30.
i bought this floral shirt as a gift to myself nine years ago when i was much more naive and much less confident, shortly after working two shifts on my 21st birthday. it was my attempt at getting over being hopelessly homesick in another desert country, resenting my entire being and literally dreaming what life’d be like had i chosen a conventional post-high school path. it’s taken me till now to feel right with it.
admittedly through my plague of gripes, the relevant regrets i carried have dissolved. this deployment has been as abundantly kind as was condemning, moreso because of what it’s afforded and taught me with a warm, sharpened edge of light at the end of a dark tunnel that began with an unapologetic summer.
the ebb and flow of a forgiving twilight inevitably floods out all that dusk suppresses.
it’s taken an uneasy heart weighed by internal and external struggles–both within and out of my control. but in seeking and accepting help i have finally put an end to years of dwelling with insecurities, my fluctuating self-esteem, and my constantly questioned self-worth.
i realized the importance in taking impromptu days to be as alone as possible while also learning that it is very much OK to wake up crying on the edge of a mattress before getting dressed for work. remembering to breathe. within, without.
i made peace with who i am, the hurt i caused, and the lessons left from those who abandoned me. concurrently, i owe my life to those who checked in, gassed me up, lent an ear or advice; those who’ve addressed a letter or care package or forcibly FaceTime’d their way to my tiny barracks space whenever they knew i was someplace with wi-fi. if there’s any part of me that’s truly undying, it’s the gratitude i bear to all of the above no matter where in this world they ever are, and more than they will ever know.
i still have plenty more bullets to strike and boxes to check, but in the meantime i know now that i am good enough. if there’s one thing we all tend to forget while we’re going through it (however endless it may seem), it’s to include a someone so important in giving our love and nurturing. include yourself. it’ll shave you years of doubt, i promise.
another year stronger, another year alive. above all else, another year closer to retiring on my own secluded ranch overrun by rabbits. till then, thank you for taking part along the way.
editor’s note: “jiā yóu (加油)” is a mandarin phrase that translates to “add oil [to your car].” it’s an expression that originated from sporting events, cheered by spectators to push their competitor to drive on, to continue fighting regardless of how empty their tank has depleted. if ever you’re going through hell, remember who or what you’re fighting for, even if only for yourself. if ever you’re going through hell, add oil, keep going. (at RSO)
https://www.instagram.com/p/CcBHgm9L8SL/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
id like to spend a lot more mornings this way. (at The Drunk Rabbit Irish Pub)
things change; ofttimes for the best. what defines the line against the worst is based on perspective, like each person’s individual method to overcome. maybe take the advice when you hear, “don’t be like me.” and maybe lobby if you should hate what you have become.
1. i take pride in my sense of organization. though at (rare) times it displays a degree of chaos, it is my organized and controlled chaos. i am my own tamed fire.
2. although i sometimes hate it, i love the patience i am able to hold through life’s lessons. i believe that my fuse is fair-lengthened but aside from my irrationality and tendency to debate, i am calm, composed, or at the very least safely suppressed.
3. i am grateful and happy for this entity of luck that follows me. realistically, this would probably translate to privilege, but even in any uncomfortable predicament, i always find a softening in the blow. send my regards to those accountable.
4. i like my eyes even though they’re sensitive and slowly going bad.
5. i like my infinite ability to consume as much junk food as i crave.
i’m running late for anything remotely intriguing.
to every home whose welcome i have overstayed, defiled, or am inhabiting: i am still learning. we all are. and even if not now, we will meet again in a better time. for now, thank you for everything.
i hope like hell you’re happy where you are.
365(+1) (at The Madrid)