i’m gonna be so pissed if i wake up and at least half of my day isn’t gone.
i just remembered this dream i had the other day that i was back home and started talking to some girl, i don’t even know the girl but i remembered knowing that we had sex, and being so super proud and excited i was going to look up “i just had sex” by the lonely island on youtube and share it with all my friends but then i woke up and now i’m all like, oh… back to reality…
27apr13
there are days when i’m without a schedule and i’ll just be finishing a movie or putting down a book, then i’ll ask myself, “what do i do now?”
for the past 9 months i’ve been on a schedule scripted by someone else as if i were the protagonist in a storybook. i’ve grown so accustomed to living this tale that i fear once the current book in the series of my entire life story is over and i transition into the next season (allegory still tracking), i will be completely disoriented. i can see myself on the first week of my return, in my own home.
my mother will stand beside me and ask, “ryan, what would you like to have for dinner?”
immediately i’d be distraught by the very pronunciation of my first name, as if it were broken glass restored by the harmonic tunes of a melodic goddess. but my response would delay even further by the idea that i actually have more than a few options for anything, let alone “have” anything once again.
this may be exaggerated, yes, but it is also a fear.
i fear that when any of my old friends come to visit me with welcoming embraces, when they suggest to meet and catch up on lost time, i will not know how to respond or what to respond with. there has just been so much… too much i’ve missed. where would we start? what would we restart? it’s been long enough that i feel as though i have abandoned all my old interests that i may not take the same old interest in them. the people i knew i know for a fact have moved on towards newer endeavors in my absence. how sure of an affect did i really leave behind?
there is for sure the knowledge that i won’t come home and sit idle; i’ll have to do something. i know that there’s no way i’ll be sitting around when all around me there is a monsoon of possibilities for things to do, places to be, people to know, ways to live. again. and already i know that the idea of so many possibilities is already overwhelming.
but for now i suppose i’ll pop in another movie.
OK this day has sprawled on long enough.
and i have the day off tomorrow so my relief needs to get here so i can just, just, just sleep all these hours and wake up and lift all these weights and not rush to take a shower and eat all this food and then go back to my room and watch all these ghost movies and smoke all these cigarettes and be so tired that i watch all this porn and eventually pass out. but when in actuality i’ll probably just jump in bed and stay awake reading until 9am and oversleep through most of my day with just enough time to get a haircut.
what sucks about days off is there is never enough time left in them until before they start.
O, X, Y
O. Would you rather spend one year with your one true love just to never see them again or the rest of your life with second best?
this may be the only time i would voluntarily settle for second best because, learning from my experiences and stories shared, my true feelings for someone are never the same feelings from someone. in the case with second best, i have the time capability to accept the already minimal flaws this “love” may be faulted with, and vice versa. i don’t want to go through a(nother) year of a(nother) false envision.
Y. Do looks mean anything to you? Don’t lie, could you fall in love with someone you thought was ugly?
looks mean a lot to me, but they aren’t everything. however, like not being entirely shallow, i am still humanly selfish (or maybe just weak) and in any case shallow. i could not see myself being with someone who is “ugly” (i imagine the protagonist of chuck palahniuk’s “invisible monsters”), but then again i do not look for the looks of beauty pageant queens. nonetheless, being able to genuinely get along with another person is number one in Ideals.
Z. Can you understand the mindset and logic used by the opposite spiritual opinion? An atheist understanding the belief in a higher power and vice versa.
i think i can understand it. the cool thing about the human brain is that although strong enough to tell our bodies what to do, what it likes, how to communicate, etc., it’s also powerful enough to conjure the bonus application of “imagination”. we can imagine and sequentially believe in faith, hope, foretelling, even a greater power. in addition to imagination, we are bestowed with emotion and the power of decision/sense making — what we choose to accept and deny as our personal beliefs. whether or not someone believes in that i do does not determine, in my own opinion, if they are necessarily “good” or “bad”, because i feel that everyone is entitled to believing in and voicing their own opinions so long as they do not offend the opinions of others or try to force it down the throats of others.
B & F :D
B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you?
considering i don’t get messages often, especially on tumblr, usually whenever i do, i initially get a small spurt of excitement thinking, “WHAT IS THIS?!” suspecting it as probably another tumblr bot until realizing i reposted something like this (replied by the same usual friends) or that i previously complimented someone on something. critiques are the least, in fact non suspected of my suspicions.
F. If you could take on the exact body and form of anyone else on Earth, who would it be?
probably kanye west because he’s arrogantly rich, his charisma and fashion sense is unmeasurable, everyone loves him ironically for his notoriety, he’s got a smoking hot babe, and, well, i could pretend to own all of these things whenever he isn’t looking.
i sleep as much as i can everyday to pass the time and because i’m very lazy. at least three-fifths of every twenty-four hours is me buried in bed. books oozing with sarcasm remind me how much i hate everything, which i love. mystery thrillers help me keep my schedule before i’m sleepy again, then the gym’s there to make me feel better about myself. however ironic, my body right now feels dead like shit. dead shit. shit, dead. however ironic, i’m awake whenever i’m feeling morbid, and i just love that word so much. however ironic, if you put an “i” in “love”, its meaning becomes the opposite.
- Dear L,
- Purpose relies on cause, and we are meant to give back because we have already taken so much, leaving us in an undoubted debt. To protect and to serve has been adopted as my life mission on more of a personal level than patriotic. The ones I love have given me so much that I'm willing to fight in order to fund them as further as I can. The alpha dog of the pack looks out for his pride. That's how he was raised.
- I have been sculpted to learn by example and to eventually lead by example. I am lucky enough to witness that a good leader betters his men by first bettering himself. This feeds two birds with one worm -- or three birds if you're feeling poetic and in hindsight (or just like to count things).
- In time, given this philosophy, we should all theoretically fulfill this purpose... especially if we take each day as is. I'll continue to stay safe out here as long as you are doing the same back there and still remember that I owe you a tall drink.
- sincerely, me.
- p.s. deuces wild handily sits in the pocket of my helmet's protective band.
because my most prized worldly possession is a $700 single-speed bicycle does not mean i am “still young”. it means, in my own defense, that i have not taken a greater or relevantly close attachment to any other object. and to take away from the tangible value of this material item, it is only worth this much because of the parts and labor it has gone through. if you strip it down to its base, it would be worth less than half of its cost — cheaper than my phone, my ipod, all of the clothes i wear. because i do not have a desire in watches, necklaces, suits, sports cars or cold, hard cash does not make me “young” or even (don’t you dare) ignorant. it makes me free. secure. pure. happy. my value does not lie in the things you can slap a price tag on.
i label my bicycle as most prized because of the journeys and experiences it’s taken me on. the happiness i find and have found from it is a value that is priceless. anyone who is too ignorant to understand this, i’m terribly sorry for them, can take their cars and their clothes and cram it.
